Just in time to qualify for Book of the Decade (BOTD), TEETH – The Epic Novel With Bite has been released. Is it any good? I have no idea; I haven’t read it. I’m mainly sharing this because of the wonderful marketing campaign behind the book. Please check out the website and watch the video.

It’s weird, right? There’s a huge banner for a half a million dollar TV show even though the page is supposed to be advertising a novel. And then the video rambles on about dolphins and Christopher Reeve and a picture of a crocodile this guy found. Although I’d probably be name dropping Superman every day if I had met him.

The story itself is so creative that it’s borderline yeasty. Johhny Willman, an American soldier who loves baseball and apple pie, is trapped in the jungles of New Guinea during World War II with a Japanese POW and an Australian guide named Footy. Together, this unlikely trio will learn the value of friendship as they murder a giant crocodile. It gets better: the Japanese guy is named Katsu — which is an expletive, FYI — and his only possession is a samurai sword. How could this book possibly be bad with a setup like that? Let’s examine an excerpt:

Five more Negroid warriors step from the jungle. These look so different than their victim, they might almost be a different species. Their facial features are broad, and their bodies shine coal-black. Patterns in red, white and yellow mark their faces, torsos and thighs. Through their noses are paired pig tusks, turned up towards the eyes, signifying war. Floating over them are headdresses of white egret feathers, incongruous in their delicate beauty. These men carry longbows, but with arrows of the kind for killing men. Some carry stone-headed axes and cudgels. They, too, are naked but for their penis gourds, but these are yellow and long, leave the testes exposed, and curl in outlandish shapes.

Pro Writer Tip:  unless you’re a forensic archeologist, Negroid is not a word you should throw around a lot.  Same goes for the phrase “penis gourds,” which seem to be central to the theme of the book.

This dude has a bit of a hangup when it comes to cock melons. Seriously, they’re mentioned all over the place. I’m guessing that spending his youth in New Guinea and seeing all those huge native sholnsons on display, emphasized by oversized codpieces, left a slight impression on the author. I’m also curious about his liberal usage of the word “jap” in this Amazon video review (of his own book), and his description of New Guinea’s native Austronesians as “bloodthirsty savages.” Is “savage” still in use? Isn’t that a stereotype that Jack London used? Like, a hundred years ago?

I can’t wait for all of this teasing to come back around when I write my book on bad books.

“IRC is how hackers speak when they don’t want to be overheard.”

Numb3rs is a show I watch when I want to feel better about myself. Witness the CGI filled explanation for how chats work. My favorite part: “Can we take a screenshot?” The urgency of the question implies that the character is not sure if such advanced tactics are even possible.

I know I’m pretty quick to declare something the best thing everything, but: this is the best thing ever. I’d like to see a variation where they debate Aguirre, the Wrath of God’s vision of madness. “Fuck you, you don’t know shit about Herzog’s motivations! This ain’t no Coppola joint!”

As you may be aware, September 9th, 2009, has been declared “A Day Without Cats On The Internet” by various blogs and websites. Seems a little ridiculous, since it’s essentially taking away the only form of medication many of us have. I work in an office! How am I supposed to keep from flipping the hell out without my daily feed of hilarious captioned cat photos?

Urlesque had a poll to determine what animal should fill the funny picture void. Bunnies won. How boring! If you’ve seen one rabbit with a pancake on it’s head, you’ve seen them all.

I’m taking this as an opportunity to forward “LOLpeople” to all my friends and co-workers.

I had made a bunch more, but adding the caption to that fourth picture made me sick to my stomach and I had to stop. Enjoy!