Archive for the ‘television’ Category

The Internet is a series of Boats overlaid with random math formulas

“IRC is how hackers speak when they don’t want to be overheard.”

Numb3rs is a show I watch when I want to feel better about myself. Witness the CGI filled explanation for how chats work. My favorite part: “Can we take a screenshot?” The urgency of the question implies that the character is not sure if such advanced tactics are even possible.

 

It should have been Vince Offer

Maybe it’s the delirium caused by the flu, but I found this video absolutely hilarious. Someone took the Billy Mays’ Kaboom commercial and replaced all the dialogue with quotes from the Heavy class in Team Fortress 2.

Oh, Billy Mays. Your products never ceased to amaze me. OxiClean is the cheapest over the counter birth control one could buy, and it’s probably more effective than abstinence. You will be missed.

 

Hall of Ma’at, Hall of Fat

800px-3x20_dog_painting

The Lost season five finale is tomorrow night! I’m stressing all over that shit. We may finally meet Jacob, we may see what the “incident” was, and Sawyer may take his shirt off again. It’s a triple boner!

Rather than rehash my convoluted Egyptian mythology theory (no one can lie in the shadow of the statue! It knows everything!), I’ve decided to bullet point a few things pulled out of my dreams. Yes, I dream about Lost. Like, a lot. The funny thing is, sometimes my dreams are totally accurate when it comes to this stuff. Because my brain is smarter than I am.

  • Jack is Jacob.
  • Jack causes the incident, which disrupts the timeline and changes things, but at the same time doesn’t.  The disruption to the timeline has always happened, so altering the course of history changes everything… but doesn’t change a thing.  If you’ve ever seen the (wonderful) film The Quiet Earth, you know what I’m talking about.  Live together, die alone.
  • The incident causes Jack to become a Dr. Manhattan type character who becomes so drastically unstuck that he can be both Jack and Jacob, as well as a patriarch to all the other characters on the show.  Think Vonnegut’s The Sirens of Titan.  I mean, the main character of that book is named Malachi frickin’ Constant.   Jack is sort of like Winston Rumfoord… after the incident, he is everywhere and everything.  Including plain old Jack.
  • Jacob is the Island, and the Island is Jacob.  The Island heals people.  What’s Jack’s primary purpose in life, the thing he gets pissed off about?  He’s a healer.
  • Who have we seen in the cabin?  Christian, Jack’s father, and Claire, Jack’s sister.
  • What was the first image in the show?  Jack’s eye opening.  What have we seen of Jacob so far?  His eye opening.  Twice.
  • Meta Moment:  in the episode Expose,  when learning about Expose’s big reveal of the villain, Hurley says “No way. Mr. LaShade was the Cobra?  His identity’s been shrouded in mystery for four seasons.”  What season of Lost is this?
  • Jacob is also the captain of the Black Rock.  He died during the voyage, then the island “popped” under him and brought him back in the same way it brought back Christian & Locke.
  • The incident itself is the detonation of Jughead, which causes the entire island to go back/forward in time simultaneously.  This is why the Island jumps around physically, as well as why we hear whispers… echos of people who have done things again and again at different points of time/space.
  • Locke’s decision to kill Jacob is not about control, but rather an act of liberation.  Jack has made a mistake, and finally needs Locke to help him.
  • Locke creates the smoke monster.
  • The smoke monster is Ammit.
  • Due to crazy time travel stuff, Lost ends up being the origin of all Egyptian mythology.

There’s like a thousand more things, but I’m tired of typing.  Be sure to check back tomorrow after the finale and tell me how my dreams are stupid!

 

Big Barda, where art thou?

Now that I have no more episodes of the Flash to watch, I’ve tried to fill that void with the Birds of Prey live action series. I’ve only watched the pilot so far, but it’s probably safe to say that this is the worst thing to come out of DC Comics. Worse than the Catwoman movie. Witness the show’s intro, embedded above.

Maybe I’ll formulate a more cohesive critique when I’m less angry about the whole thing.

 
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