My mother never bought me Dunkaroos as a kid. Maybe because they are cookies that you dip in frosting. The ingredients list reads like a who’s-who of what should never enter your body:

Sugar, Water, High Maltose Corn Syrup, Tommy Lee, Wheat Starch, Salt, Distilled Monoglyceride, Polysorbate 60, Sodium Tripolyphosphate, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Citric Acid, Nonfat Milk, Potassium Sorbate.

Or maybe it was the fact that the commercial mentions “triple fisting it.” I may have been an overexposed kid, but I thought that was a weird thing to say way back when this first aired. Where does that third fist come from? How is this not incredibly creepy?

Listen: I am, apparently, an eligible bachelor. I have at least been described as such by my friends, or ranked as an eligible bachelor in various local magazines. I have a good job, I am intelligent, and I am single.

Because of that, the “ladies” have been knocking down my door. Problem is, I apparently hate ladies. I constantly reject dates based on various items that only I find important. Such as this: you are 25 years old, but deny ever having been a fan of Clarissa Explains It All. You, milady, are a goddamn liar. There is no one who didn’t like that show. When someone tells me they’re not familiar with it, I just think “they are ashamed.” And then we never see each other again.

Here’s a Pro Tip: don’t deny what defined you. Guys like to hear about what weird stuff you were into as a kid, because all guys were into weird stuff as a kid as well. If a guy doesn’t care about this stuff, he’s too old for you.

This makes me want to go hug my little brother. And I would, except I have way too much important stuff to do. Time is money, you know.

DC is bringing back Adventure Comics! And issue number zero (available now) is totally kicking it old school.

Adventure Comics was a big deal for a long time… it’s one of those staples of comic book history, like Detective Comics, Action Comics and the like. The fist issue came out in 1935. That’s a long time ago!
The last issue of Adventure Comics actually hit newsstands the day I was born… August 10th of 1983. That’s kind of weird, right? One of the benefits to being born on a Wednesday, I suppose.

I just decided that I’m going to buy every comic that comes out during the week of my kid’s birth. Then I’ll stash them away and they’ll make a great 21st birthday present (when the kid is old enough to appreciate that sort of gesture). I just hope that print media holds up long enough for me to have kids!