Thanks to a post from Joystick Division, I’ve discovered the joy/absurdity of beat ‘em up montages. In this video, a roster of bizzare characters beat the shit out of Barry Allen in MUGEN, an open source fighting game framework.

Why? Because he should have stayed dead.

This is a pretty clever ad for Full Sail University Online.  It’s, like… the birdcage is a symbol, man.  However, it was a hell of a lot more clever in its original inception: as the subject of a Graham Kahler comic.

This is a page from Songbirds, one of Graham Kahler’s better known works.  I think I first read it in 2006.  Kahler isn’t a huge celebrity or anything, but he has a following, enough that people who are into comics and illustration know his stuff.  And he’s indie enough that he probably couldn’t do anything to defend himself in the event that someone did steal his work.  The resemblance here is uncanny.  I obviously can’t outright say that this is an appropriation of Kahler’s concept without knowing more, but if it were my intellectual property and I saw this… I’d be livid.

The only piece of news that matters from this year’s San Diego Comic Con: Geoff Johns is writing a special one-shot that pits Krypto the superdog against Dex-Starr the blood-vomiting cat.  It’s going to be a Valentine’s day special.  For reals.

The Story So Far: after a long postcard campaign from jerks like me, DC Comics is celebrating the 600th issue of Wonder Woman this month.  Also the 600th issues of Batman and Superman, but those aren’t as important as Wonder Woman.   I was reading iFanboy this morning and stumbled across Jim Lee’s redesign of Wonder Woman for her 600th issue.  I am, surprisingly, not completely disgusted.  Mainly because Wonder Woman’s iconic costume is completely ridiculous and inappropriate; I lovingly call it the USO Ameritits Bikini. Anything is an improvement.

But still… leather jacket?  Black choker?  Jim Lee shouldn’t be trusted with stuff like this (see his bastardization of The Huntress character in Hush).  My favorite take on Wonder Woman remains Carly Monardo’s, mainly because she’s recognizing Wonder Woman’s roots as the princess of effin’ Themyscira and not trying to dress her up as some patriotic Rush Limbaugh fap-fest.

You can see more redesigns like this over at Project Rooftop, a blog that serves no purpose other than hosting fan redesigns of superhero costumes.  Which is wonderful.

Okay. I’ve stated my opinion about the Path many times. In short: it is the best game I have ever played and it has changed the way I think about interactive media. I not only enjoy it, I admire it. For a while I was buying copies for anyone who wanted to play it. I posted that on Facebook: straight up, I will purchase you a copy of this game if you will play it. Many friends took advantage of this, and some of them have had the same reaction as I. Which makes me feel very good. So, having bought the game a thousand times over, what did I do when Tale of Tales announced a limited edition of twenty physical copies? I BOUGHT ALL OF THEM.

No, that’s a lie. I just bought one. I’m not that greedy.

The game saw a retail release in eastern Europe, and being a complete fanboy I begged on the Tale of Tales blog for a chance to purchase a copy. They totally delivered, even signing it.  But the real reason this special edition is awesome? Loot.

In the old days, we called these feelies.  Those maps, cloth pouches and gold coins that came with old Infocom games?  They were awesome. The retail edition of the Path has creepy Polaroids of underage girls. And stickers. But I’m more attracted to the Polaroids.

I actually got this in January but just remembered that I had it this week while waiting for my soundtrack CD to be delivered.  This Polish edition is sold out, but you can still purchase a similar Russian edition from the Tale of Tales store.

I know I’m behind by years on this one, but I just finished Joe Kelly and Ken Nimura’s I Kill Giants. This is such an interesting book! It follows a D&D addicted nerd through middle school as she attempts to come to terms with some personal issues. Whatever, the little things like plot and setting don’t matter: this book is actually about self-invented mythology, and the momentum ideas can gain in time of crisis. When I was a kid I would pretend that if I stood real still and breathed slowly I could jump between different realities. It was actually just a way to control my asthma attacks, but after years of doing it my brain was in another place. I obsessed over old Star Trek and Twilight Zone episodes, read everything I could find on sting theory, and read the first few chapters of A Wrinkle In Time almost daily. If I didn’t get distracted by puberty I don’t know what would have happened.

Uh, so… that’s more or less what I Kill Giants is about.

Nimura’s art is loose, kinetic… there are strokes that feel so carefree that it’s hard to believe the layouts were planned at all, which fits so elegantly with the narrative. This is a really wonderful story. I give it three out of four boners.

I wish I had time to make a boner scale graphic.

Last Friday was the opening of The Black Dog Runs At Night, a Twin Peaks themed gallery show at Piranha Betty’s Art Mart in Kensington. As you may know, faithful reader, I am a hardcore Twin Peaks fan… enough so that I was willing to travel to Kensington, which is not at all safe, just to check out this show. I took a few crappy cellphone pictures that I thought I’d share.

The main gallery area had been done up to resemble the Black Lodge, straight down to the zig-zag floor. There’s a log hidden somewhere in the above picture… try and find it!

In addition to art, there was a pie tasting, because all people ever seem to associate Twin Peaks with is pie and coffee. I did not try any pie, because it did not look at all appetizing by the time I got to the show.

The art itself was fairly average. Nothing jumped out at me as being amazing, save for a couple dioramas I didn’t get good pictures of. It was mostly fan art, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I did ended up buying a few smaller drawings that I liked. The above picture shows how they were marked as sold. The gallery manager just plastered my name and phone number next to the work for some reason. So far I’ve had half a dozen unsolicited text messages, mostly Twin Peaks quotes. Thanks, Piranha Betty’s!

Final Verdict: there is no reason to ever visit Kensington. Except I have to go back when the show closes to pick up the drawings that I bought. I will most likely just give my roommate five dollars to go pick them up. No one ever messes with him. He’s got crazy eyes.

Blackest Night was a straight up excited event. I know this because I felt remarkably betrayed after reading the final issue. Good comics have a tendency to do that. Imagine: you are a fanboy, become dangerously invested in these characters and their mythology. Then an event comes along and changes things. I won’t spoil anything, but Blackest Night essentially serves as a reset button for many previous “incidents” in the DC Comics universe. Which, FYI, is fucking lame. But,really, how else are events like this supposed to end? With a song?

The next big event, Brightest Day, starts next month, in which DC will most likely retcon some retcons of retcons. The final issue will most likely fold out into a mobius strip.

I’m leaving for South By Southwest tomorrow! My awesome job is sending me there for the interactive portion of the festival. It will basically be a week of listening to people talk about the internet, drinking with colleagues and playing video games (there’s an arcade!). Expect a post on the future of comics when I return.

A few items I wanted to mention, since I’m terrified of flying and wanted to cement some sort of legacy in case the plane explodes:

• I released a new album last month! It’s called Lake Poems. My brother and I wrote and recorded the whole thing during the month of February for the RPM Challenge. It’s almost like chiptune music mixed with baroque era instruments. I dig it, and we’ve been getting a lot of positive feedback, so please check it out. You can download the entire album for free. If you like it and want to stay updated on music we do (there’s another release coming at the end of March), consider our Facebook fan page. Because I haven’t gotten around to setting up a real website yet.
• I got a book deal! Quirk Books, known for the insanely awesome Pride & Prejudice & Zombies, will be releasing a book I’ve been writing with my best friend. It should be available at your local bookstore in May of 2011. I can’t say much about it, but I promise that it will be absolutely hilarious. Also: my editor said that I’m the youngest author ever signed to Quirk, which gave me +10 to Ego.
• I got into a fight with my mom this morning! And I feel really bad. Sorry, mom.

If you’re attending SXSW and want to meet up, I’ll be there from March 12th to March 16th. As with any convention, you can spot me by my Virgin of Guadeloupe pin I got from Attract Mode last year.

This thing has become a wardrobe staple. It’s sort of integral to defining my look: dirty hobo wearing a Virgin of Guadeloupe pin. Otherwise known as Derelicte.

The Lobo ParaMilitary Christmas Special, embedded above, is a surprisingly well done student film about a very disgusting character. Lobo is a crude, juvenile figure, initially conceived by Keith Giffen to be a parody of Marvel Comics’ Wolverine (who wins the Stresslines Worst Comic Character Fueled By Dew award every year without fail). I don’t really have a problem with Lobo because he doesn’t demand to be taken serious. He commits genocide for fun, uses nonsensical expletives (such as bastich) and is very protective of endangered space dolphins. He is a symbol of the ridiculous excess of 90s comics. It’s almost magical.

This afternoon I was reading old scans of Nintendo Power from Retromags (because that’s what nerds do when they’re drunk in the daytime). I was surprised when I stumbled across a Super Nintendo game I wasn’t familiar with: Lobo. Lobo the fighting game, staring Lobo the character! The reason I had never heard of it is because it was never released. Not surprising, after reading the full feature.

Here are high resolution scans of the entire feature: one, two, three, four and five. It’s worth reading for anyone who played fighting games in the 90s, as the preview has a moves list that’s almost identical to Street Fighter II. There’s something telling when a six page spread is filled with controller commands instead of gameplay impressions. No wonder this never made it onto store shelves.

But wait, there’s more! After some extensive detective work (a single google search), I uncovered a ROM of the Sega Genesis version of the game. Spoiler: it’s most certainly a prototype, and you’re life will be no different if you choose not to play it.

Hey, remember that British television show Spaced? The one by Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg and
Jessica Hynes? From back in the day, when we were kids. It was really great and quite funny.

Apparently there was an American pilot produced for Spaced, and some footage has surfaced on YouTube as part of an actor’s demo reel. It’s… uh, exactly the same. It’s almost a shot for shot remake of the first episode but with different actors. Just to compare, here’s the exact same scene from the British version. It’s quite painful to watch the American remake after that. Sort of like going to visit the house you grew up in after new owners moved in. It feels so familiar, but there’s something off about it that just makes you uncomfortable.

I just ordered my copy of the Korg DS-10+ synthesizer from Amazon and a peculiar thing appeared on the recommended items page: Jam Sessions 2. This game apparently came out in October, but I haven’t seen it mentioned on any of the 527 game blogs that I follow in Google Reader. There’s not even a Wikipedia page for it! Honestly, the first game was rather boring, so I couldn’t justify purchasing the sequel… until I saw these amazing screenshots.

It’s like the interface was torn out of the back of an old Nickelodeon Magazine. Gorgeous! If anyone knows the illustrator responsible for this, please let me know.

I live in Newbold, which is one of those fancy “revitalized” Philly neighborhoods. It used to be part of Point Breeze up until a few years ago, when nice families started moving in and local business owners stopped getting shot. One of my favorite parts about living here is walking past the Drexel School every day. It’s a big old 19th century elementary school. I think it’s been abandoned for as long as I’ve been alive… there are trees growing out of the top. It’s like something out of Jumanji, except I never have to see Kirsten Dunst’s stupid face. It adds a very cool touch to the neighborhood.

But the Drexel School’s days are numbered! The historic site is being destroyed. Workers appear to be doing it brick by brick, as if they want the ghost of Francis Drexel to slowly suffer. I can understand why it’s being taken down. I mean, the place is a total death trap right now. The interior is in shambles and it would take tons of fifty dollar bills to fix it.

You can check out many more great photos at this Flickr page. The big question is: what new structure will replace this awesome old building?

Luxury townhomes. Yay! That’s so much better than a grocer or a restaurant or a park or any of the other things my neighborhood could use. I will be calling these townhomes Douchebag Village.

There is a new Grant Morrison book. I like Grant Morrison. The book is called Joe the Barbarian. Let’s talk about it!

I’m of the opinion that every limited series works better when collected in trades. This is a first issue, which means it’s more or less a 32 page teaser for the rest of the series. Morrison’s concept of a kid having fantasies inside of a diabetic coma is solid, I just need to be patient and see where he’s going to take it. Sean Murphy’s layouts, though… man alive! I want more. The last spread in the issue is one of the most spectacular things I’ve ever seen in a mainstream comic. There are like a thousand awesome little things that made me say “I hope your diabetic coma lasts forever, Joe!”

Vertigo is claiming to offer the first issue as a free download on their internet web site, but don’t be fooled: the only link I could find is for a nine page excerpt. Maybe the webmaster is very lazy. No matter, because this the first issue of a new Vertigo series, which means there is a one dollar cover price. One dollar! You probably have one dollar’s worth of change rattling around in the cup holder of your fancy Lexus, you jerk. Take a ride down to the local comic shop and convert that change into magical storytelling.

Secret Bonus Tip! You can download the first issue of the Unwritten (the actual whole issue) for free. It’s low resolution and in PDF format… but it’s free, and I think everyone should give this series a try. Vertigo also has a page detailing every free issue hosted on the site, if you want to a reason to spend more time in front of a computer.

Three reasons why I immediately connected with John Layman’s Chew:

1. It takes place in Philadelphia. That’s where I live!
2. It’s some sort of alternate reality where avian flu has killed 22 million people, and as a result chicken is now contraband. I hate bird flu… and chicken!
3. The main character, Tony Chu, is a detective who gets psychic impressions from the things he eats. So he feasts on murder victims to discover what happened to them. I eat murder victims in order to solve crimes all the time!

I remember a lot of kids talking about this book when the first issue came out. After reading the trade paperback — uproariously called Taster’s Choice, collecting the first five issues — I can understand why. It is weird. Weird in a good way! These are bold ideas, the sort of “What If?” stories that were prevalent back when comics were fun. What if chicken was outlawed, and the FDA gained too much power, and then there was just this dude who could get psychic impressions from tasting things… oh and he works for the FDA, and people are convinced that the chicken thing is a ruse? That’s a weird concept, and I love it. Maybe weird isn’t the word I’m looking for… imaginative, perhaps? Whimsical?

The setup is solid, but it’s Rob Guilory’s art that really brings it together. He uses simple panel layouts, but his characters are so elastic and full of life. They’re fun and goofy, which works very well to have the violence read as “over the top” instead of “gory.” And there is quite a bit of violence. It’s a book about eating people, remember?

I enjoyed the trade paperback enough to move Chew into my pull box. That’s a fancy nerd way of saying that I’ll be buying the individual issues every month. If we said things that everyone could understand, then this hobby wouldn’t seem nearly as cool.

Here’s my official endorsement for the Unwritten trade paperback: “Run, don’t walk, to a new browser tab and purchase this fine collection immediately! There are illustrations that are pretty! It’s ten dollars! There is an entire chapter about Rudyard Kipling battling the forces of evil! This is a labyrinth of literary references that will make your head spin… figuratively!”

Feel free to quote any of that on the back of the next volume, Vertigo.

It is no secret that I’m a huge Wonder Woman fan. I adore her character and everything she stands for. She has been a huge influence on me my entire life. I think she’s swell!

Whenever there is a huge DC Comics event, I find myself asking: Where is Wonder Woman? She’s always ignored, leaving stupid Superman to resolve the story. Final Crisis ended with Superman singing a song to save the world while Wonder Woman had been transformed into a pig faced mutant. Totally weak.

I’m thrilled that the latest DC event, Blackest Night, has a Wonder Woman tie-in. Not just any tie-in… a good one! See, once upon a time Wonder Woman committed straight-up murder on a dude named Maxwell Lord. It was terrible! She snapped his neck after being slightly provoked. She’s been haunted by this ever since. So, what happens when DC is doing a mega-event like Blackest Night where villians rise from the grave?

OH SHIT WONDER WOMAN WHAT YOU GONNA DO.

I’ll admit that a lot of other interesting things are going on with this story arc — like, say, Bruce Wayne rising from the dead to kill Superman — but Wonder Woman’s personal demons are way more thrilling to me. It’s a trinity of superheroes, god dammit, but writer’s normally treat it like a boy’s club. Wonder Woman is amazing, and you should learn to love her.

There are seven (technically eight) girls in the Path… why does everyone insist on cosplaying as Ruby? I don’t care for her, myself. She’s got that leg brace, but all she says is “it hurts” without any specifics. In spite of having a leg brace that apparently hurts, she’s about ten times faster than the other girls. Notice that she doesn’t start limping until she wakes up back on the path after encountering her wolf, the wolf she shares a cigarette with before something very bad happens. That’s textbook high school goth right there. Suffering is a lot of fun until you’re actually suffering. I refuse to feel sorry for you, Ruby! Your obsession with decay and the darker things in life is obviously self-destructive. You chose this path.

So now then: where is my Carmen cosplay? That is something I will feel comfortable masturbating to.

Happy Holidays! I will use any excuse I can to show this Bacon McFeast video. It defines Christmas for me. Well, that and the calendar.

As a gift for my parents and grandmother, I recorded an album of holiday songs with my friends. It was super fun and I learned a lot about the true spirit of blah blah blah. You can download it here if you’d like, but only do so if you like Christmas music. Because that’s definitely what it is. Christmas music. About Jesus and stars and trees and junk. With glockenspiels and harpsichords.

Three quick facts about the new Justice League Of America Archive trading cards from Rittenhouse.

1. They are $3.99 a pack.
2. There are only five cards in a pack.
3. It only took a single pack before I was cursing my brand loyalty.

Richard Marquand does deserve credit for his directorial work on Return of the Jedi, if only because he gave us the second most important line of dialogue in cinematic history.

The first most important line of dialogue in cinematic history also happens to be from a Star Wars film, for what it’s worth.

Just in time to qualify for Book of the Decade (BOTD), TEETH – The Epic Novel With Bite has been released. Is it any good? I have no idea; I haven’t read it. I’m mainly sharing this because of the wonderful marketing campaign behind the book. Please check out the website and watch the video.

It’s weird, right? There’s a huge banner for a half a million dollar TV show even though the page is supposed to be advertising a novel. And then the video rambles on about dolphins and Christopher Reeve and a picture of a crocodile this guy found. Although I’d probably be name dropping Superman every day if I had met him.

The story itself is so creative that it’s borderline yeasty. Johhny Willman, an American soldier who loves baseball and apple pie, is trapped in the jungles of New Guinea during World War II with a Japanese POW and an Australian guide named Footy. Together, this unlikely trio will learn the value of friendship as they murder a giant crocodile. It gets better: the Japanese guy is named Katsu — which is an expletive, FYI — and his only possession is a samurai sword. How could this book possibly be bad with a setup like that? Let’s examine an excerpt:

Five more Negroid warriors step from the jungle. These look so different than their victim, they might almost be a different species. Their facial features are broad, and their bodies shine coal-black. Patterns in red, white and yellow mark their faces, torsos and thighs. Through their noses are paired pig tusks, turned up towards the eyes, signifying war. Floating over them are headdresses of white egret feathers, incongruous in their delicate beauty. These men carry longbows, but with arrows of the kind for killing men. Some carry stone-headed axes and cudgels. They, too, are naked but for their penis gourds, but these are yellow and long, leave the testes exposed, and curl in outlandish shapes.

Pro Writer Tip:  unless you’re a forensic archeologist, Negroid is not a word you should throw around a lot.  Same goes for the phrase “penis gourds,” which seem to be central to the theme of the book.

This dude has a bit of a hangup when it comes to cock melons. Seriously, they’re mentioned all over the place. I’m guessing that spending his youth in New Guinea and seeing all those huge native sholnsons on display, emphasized by oversized codpieces, left a slight impression on the author. I’m also curious about his liberal usage of the word “jap” in this Amazon video review (of his own book), and his description of New Guinea’s native Austronesians as “bloodthirsty savages.” Is “savage” still in use? Isn’t that a stereotype that Jack London used? Like, a hundred years ago?

I can’t wait for all of this teasing to come back around when I write my book on bad books.

When coming back from my parent’s house following a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner, I took the Stupid SEPTA Broad Street Line, which I ride multiple times a day.  Today, something was different: the entire car was wallpapered to look like a Bud Light can. A garish, bright blue with condensation graphics, floor to ceiling. It looked like the walls were dripping with slime, and the phrase “TAILGATE: APPROVED” was stamped all over.

It was a Thanksgiving miracle! Not six hours before, this looked like a regular subway car, but now it has been transformed into a seizure inducing monstrosity. I’m sure the people who spent their thanksgiving applying the Bud Light decals were just thrilled with their life choices.

Normally I would say this is not a big deal. Advertising is important! Advertising raises product awareness (I probably wouldn’t have know that Bud Light was a shitty company if not for this) and helps fund public transportation (those new signing bonuses have to come from somewhere). But the bright blue, plus the orange seats, plus the harsh florescent lighting… it’s bad, man.

Happy Thanksgiving, from my ruptured corneas to yours!

“Shit, man, you know what would be awesome? If we took the printer and destroyed it. With crowbars and junk, just like in that movie Office Space. It was really funny in Office Space! And we should film the whole thing. We’ll even use the same music from Office Space. That way we can cement our legacy as the studio that never had an original idea.”

Goodbye, Pandemic Studios. I’m sad you guys all lost your jobs, but I hope you cleaned all those broken bits of plastic up. Birds eat those! Then they die. I’m also pretty sure that toxic cloud of toner should not have been released from it’s holding cell. Due to it being toxic and all.

“IRC is how hackers speak when they don’t want to be overheard.”

Numb3rs is a show I watch when I want to feel better about myself. Witness the CGI filled explanation for how chats work. My favorite part: “Can we take a screenshot?” The urgency of the question implies that the character is not sure if such advanced tactics are even possible.

A week or so ago I relocated to a beautiful rowhouse in South Philadelphia. It’s great! Redone hardwood floors, massive ceilings, tons of rooms, a dug out (and finished!) basement… there’s even a heated walk-in closet right off the bathroom. This place is so classy that I will have no problem finding someone to love me and make my life feel rewarding again.

What isn’t great about this house is the goddamn transit strike that punched me in the throat like two days after I moved in. Thankfully it ended today, but I was leaving the house at 5:30AM every morning and not getting home until 9PM some nights. Not to mention that I had to walk through some questionable areas. The Dunkin Donuts on 16th street is crazy tempting after walking for two miles, despite the trans-fat content.

I’m a pretty hungry dude, so I spend a lot of time cooking. I looked at several dozen houses before settling. All those places had electric stoves. This one is gas. That means we win. You can come over for brunch and I’ll cook, like, some baked eggs with leeks and swiss chard and maybe a rosemary tea cake if you have a sweet tooth and everything will come out totally awesome. This stove will not let you down.

Four piece bathroom. It’s off the hook. I can potentially be taking a bath while a sexual partner is washing my disease off of him or her in the shower. And then another person could be brushing their teeth at the sink, and another person could be peeing using the toilet. That’s like four people in the bathroom right there. I could have bathroom parties. Look, I’ve already designed the invites!

Hmm. Let’s stop talking about this and move on with our lives.