The Date: not just for Drug, Alcohol, and Tobacco Education anymore

larabars

Last Friday I was in Penn Station with my boss, grabbing some coffee at one of those nameless shops in the terminal. I noticed they had a bunch of Larabars by the register, and immediately started preaching to my boss about how good they are. He probably thought I was crazy. Maybe because my praise was along the lines of “This is what you eat to get those mind-controlling fluorides out of your hypo-spicines! The government wants to hold you back, but Larabars are the true way!” Maybe not my exact words, but I was fairly evangelical about it.

In some sort of weird coincidence that only matters when you’re writing a blog post, I returned home that night to find a package from LARABAR TOWER USA. It contained a few new flavors for me to try out.

This is awesome for three reasons.

1. These things may have saved my life at some point. I don’t always eat well. In fact, I occasionally go weeks at a time funneling crap into my system. Sometimes I need to cleanse myself a bit, if only to purge the cheese fries and beer and Greg Rucka storylines from my body. Larabars are, as far as I know, the only high-raw, vegan, kosher, gluten-free, dairy-free and (mostly) organic prepackaged food you can buy at a convenience store.

2. “Thanks for Blogging!” Probably the first time anyone has ever said this in a non-sarcastic way. My team of forensic experts also tell me that the indentations on the card indicate that this was not generated by an inkjet printer, but rather a human hand. Odd.

3. I didn’t ask for this stuff, they just sent it to me. I think I maybe mentioned that Larabars are great in a post on a message board or blog comment section years ago, when the company was first getting started. Then someone tracked me down and started sending me swag. That’s pretty awesome. It not only validates my role in the whole “community” aspect of the internet, but reinforces the belief that this is a company that listens to its audience.

So let’s talk: these new flavors.

PB&J Larabars are off the goddamn hook. They taste exactly like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but they lack whatever poison goes into Wonderbread. Ingredients: dates, peanuts, unsweetened cherries, salt. That’s it. And I guess that’s all you need to make a PB&J without the crap.

The tropical fruit tart flavor was amazing, resembling a pina colada in food form. It had dates, pineapple, coconut and… uh, I think I threw out the wrapper. But it was probably the most complex Larabar out there. Very rich.

The German chocolate cake is part of the Jocalat line of Larabars, which contain chocolate (meaning they’re not raw). I’m not a chocolate person, so I passed this off to my dad. He seemed to orgasm for about seven minutes straight, which will haunt me until the day I die. He really liked this. And he’s the sort of guy who eats nothing but fast food and ice cream night after night.

That’s one of the things I really like about Larabars: they taste damn good. They’re rich and decadent, cakey and dessert-like. I feel like pulling a Folger’s Crystals moment on my dad: “Hey, you know that chocolate bar you just ate? IT WAS GOOD FOR YOU!” But I value the silent, ambiguous resentment of our opposing lifestyles, so I won’t risk it.

In conclusion: Hey, Larabars, I think you’re pretty keen and I want to ask you to the homecoming dance.

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2 Comments

  1. mostly food that isn’t prsecosed ‘ If I may ask, what prsecosed foods does she recommend, & why? I only ask because I’ve yet to learn of any good reason to eat prsecosed foods, assuming that a person has access to alternatives.People can be healthier (& thinner, should that be the goal) if they’d just use their god damn brains. I mean, it’s hardly rocket science to know that a body needs protein to create necessary fuel to burn calories, build muscle, repair tissue & so on, or that you rev up your metabolism by eating a three or four smaller, more healthy meals a day combined w/ another two or three snacks of fruits or veggies or nuts.It makes my brain hurt that people pay other people to tell em the most rudimentary dietary logic * | * Want to gain weight? Consume more calories than you burn. * | * Want to lose weight? Burn more calories than you consume.Trainers are a great tool, but putting them to best use shouldn’t include doing your thinking for you.I know many people who run marathons & compete in organized cycling races &/or triathalons not a single one of em subsists on the mere 700-ish calories good day’ meal plan that Cary seems to advocate hell no; quite often they eat like there’s no tomorrow, because they’re building for endurance & stamina. I guess I just don’t get what image Cary is trying to convey, but if it’s even semi-serious athlete, she misses the mark by a long shot.I will say this: The picture above is the first one I’ve ever seen of her where she looked remotely attractive or even feminine, so it’s funny (to me) to read comments to the contrary. While I can’t say that I’m totally digging the hair, I do think it’s fun to change it up & wear a new doo when going out for an occasion, so I’m going to leave that one alone, other than to say that the same hair style for years is boring as fuck.

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