Have you ever been in a situation that was so embarrassing that you actually started praying for an apocalyptic event, as the loss of all human life on this planet would be preferable to the discomfort you were experiencing at that moment? Let me entertain you with a story!
I volunteer at a chiptune show once a month in Philadelphia called 8static. It’s pretty awesome, and I’ve been a fan for a long time, so I love being able to help out with taking tickets, hanging posters or whatever to support the show. One of the perks of volunteering is that I can bring a guest for free. My friend Ryan heard about the audio mixing workshop before this month’s show and wanted to check it out. So he was going to be my plus one, as the French say.
Except Ryan was really late and completely missed the workshop. His excuse was that he had to stop and eat an entire pizza on the way. When he did finally show up, he was obviously drunk. No Carrier (who organizes the event) came over and I introduced them to one another. Ryan starts pointing to me dramatically, saying “I love this guy!” No Carrier tried to be nice, with a reply along the lines of “Uh, yeah, he’s great.”
Then Ryan decides to up the ante: “No, you don’t understand. I love him sexually.” There was an accompanying hand motion.
I guess he thought it would be a hilarious thing to say. It wasn’t. I wanted to die. I’m surrounded by tons of really cool musicians and some guy in a soiled Nike t-shirt is talking about doing me. And he’s my guest.
On top of that, he was trash talking open mic performers. “That dude needs to get his head out of his ass! That was terrible!” Keep in mind that 8static is hosted in a rather intimate venue, so when he said such things, everyone could hear him.
After two sets of that, we had to leave. As in, Ryan decided that he was tired and we had to leave. So I didn’t get to see Covox or Nullsleep play. The entire ride back to South Philly I just kept thinking “Oh man… is this really my friend?” But I suppose true friendship extends beyond the limitations of common sense, civility and hygiene.
Besides, it could have been much worse. Ryan could have pulled out his cell phone and shown everyone video evidence of his loving me sexually. That would have been awkward.